Due to not having TV (that is why my vision is so good*) I was unable to watch the first episode the latest VRTPALEO whipping boy, “Jurassic Fight Club”, in a timely fashion. However, thanks to a friend I have managed to get my hands on a copy and give the horse a good beating before it dies. In case you live in the astral plane, Jurassic Fight club is a show where dinosaurs fight and this episode is about two Majungasaurus FIGHTING TO THE DEATH HURHURHUR.
The first thing the show does is warn us about “prehistoric violence”, which is something I’d expect to see on an ESRB label. We viewers are then teased with a Little Tortilla Boy-style narrator assuring us that we will see gratuitous violence. Two things jump out immediately here:
-First, the sheer amount of hyperbole. We’re about to witness “one of the most vicious acts in the prehistoric world”. All that’s needed is a claim that a secret conspiracy involving Hitler, the Vatican AND Jesus’ sex life will be revealed.
-Second, the CGI looks pretty damn nice! This is probably the first time a “dino-documentary” has put out animation rivalling that of the “Walking With” series. The dinosaurs just look *right*-they integrate with their environment really well and are convincingly shaded. Sadly, the Majungasaurus (called Majungatholus by the show because they have no clue) look nothing like they did in reality- it’s as if someone played telephone with pictures, all resemblances are superficial.
Your host for the night (or the 3 o’clock in the morning if you’re ME) is George Blasing, a man whom I’ve never heard of. When I noticed he put “dinosaur” in front of his name, a red flag went up so forcefully that my balls were severed from my torso in the process. “Why”, I thought, “this must be one of those self-appointed ‘dinosaur experts’ who tour schools wearing cowboy hats!”, and from then on I proceeded with caution. He engages in all sorts of speculation and stupidity which is presented as UNQUESTIONABLE FACT, my favourite of which is his assertion that Madagascar was so small that all the dinosaurs were REALLY CLOSE TOGETHER. And there’s plenty of time to pick favourites, because this show gets NO-THING right, often in hilarious ways. A continuing theme is the statement that “palaeontologists think [some moronic assertion about dinosaur behaviour]”. Hot DAMN, I don’t care if all the palaeontologists in the world plus their mums and their pets think something, show me why they’re right.
There are also “interviews” with palaeontologists that last just long enough for YOU to apply deodorant to the armpit of your choice. This aspect of the show could have been pursued more, but instead the producers opt for little soundbites to add a little credibility to this failing endeavour. When you get down to it, the only science to be found is the Majungasaurus bite marks. There is a quick trip to the Witmer lab, but pretty much the only thing discovered there is that Majungasaurus had a really small brain. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! But we are told small means primitive and primitive means rudimentary mating rituals- this show jumps to conclusions like an anuran** on SPEED! Or like that Ben Stein movie!
Seriously. Think about it for a second.
Host with no clue what he’s talking about? Check. (Although I must say Blasing has good showmanship, which is more than I can say for Stein.)
Literally laughable assertions? Check.
Bastardized interviews? Check.
The only thing missing was an allusion to Hitler, but by the end of the program I was fully expecting “Dino George” to state that “Dinosaurs were like Nazis. They really enjoyed killing stuff.”
So yeah, unless you fetishize gore and descriptions of it (Ooh, ooh, she pulls her BLOOD COVERED NOSE out of his STOMACH! Fap fap fap!) and want a cerebral aneurysm in less than an hour, this show isn’t for you.***
FOOTNOTES-
*I hate these jackasses as much as you do. I don’t get how you can brag about not having something, unless that something is the opposite gender’s sexual organs.
**Used for rhythmic purposes.
***Overall I would recommend it. It’s hard to comprehend how astronomically bad this program is until you’ve seen it. Plus the fights are pretty cool, though the yellow filter should be toned down a notch or twenty.
P.S. - The next time I hear theropod teeth described as “razor-sharp” I’ll fucking shoot myself (see poll.)
P.P.S - You know you fail when the best thing about your show is a lame little flash game.
